Correcting Behavior

As we raise our kids, they will definitely test us with their behavior. No matter how many times we tell them not to throw a ball inside the house, they will throw the ball inside the house.

There are few ways to go about this. I am no expert in child development but I do have a background in education. I have worked with many different kids on how to correct behavior or to address behavior problems.

The Compliment Sandwich

This is something most people are taught. It is very easy and straight forward. Think of a sandwich: Bread, filling, bread. The bread will be a complement. A way to open and close the conversation on a positive note. The filling is the issue at hand. It goes like this:

“Bob, we really appreciate you here. You are a hard worker. The issue we have is that we got a complaint for a customer that said you were rude on the phone. Can you explain that?….Great. Again you are a good worker and we appreciate you”.

For kids, this doesn’t work as much. You might find it beneficial in a professional setting as noted above but kids just hear, “I’m great, something else, I’m great”. The constructive part just goes in one ear and out the other. There’s no way to “correct” it with the model. If you do, then you move away from the intended use of the compliment sandwich.

Admiration, Behavior, Corrections (ABC)

This one I use a lot. I don’t use the compliment sandwich too much as I don’t find it worthwhile. I do like to use ABC as it is as basic as elementary school and the conversation ends with a plan on how to be better moving forward. It goes like this:

“Suzie you are a great kid. I appreciate the value you bring each day. The other day we got a complaint that you said something mean or rude to Billy. Do you remember that? Can you explain it?… Great. What can we work on to make sure your attitude is consistent with our expectations?”

You can end the conversation with a positive note or more admiration or compliments but you get back to the compliment sandwich and it might not take. Instead of a general compliment, you can say, “I really appreciate your time working though this plan” which ends on a high note going back to the behavior and not how great the person is.

I need you to say that again…

This last one is one that I learned from a buddy’s wife when I was over watching a game. When my child gets demanding I tell them to “Say that again but use your manners” or “I need you say that again but less demanding”. This makes them think about not only what they are saying but HOW they say it.

“Daddy give me some fruit snacks.” “I need you say that again but use the word ‘please’”. “Daddy, please give me some fruit snacks, pleaseeeeee”.

This helps to them to realize the mistake they are making in the moment and ingrains the appropriate behavior into what they say. If we give into their demands it will teach them that it’s okay to be bossy or to be rude when really they just need help. When we think about it with adults, there is a difference between, “Where’s your bathroom?” and “Can I use your bathroom?”. I want to teach my kids at a young age that the latter is a better way of communicating.