Two Wolves

We’ve all heard the legends of the two wolves. In case you haven’t here it is:

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Now, this is true in a lot of ways. When we have conflict, internal or external, which ever we feed is the one what wins. When we placate or give into concessions from our own ideas and morals, we are feeding the negative wolf. When hold our ground, and set standard we good wolf.

So how does this look like in a family? Whiny kids almost always get their way. As a parent it is so difficult to deal with a whiny child. We are trying to cook dinner, do laundry, or whatever chore needs to be done and all you hear is, “whine. whine. whine. whine.” We typical pacify them and give in. We are feeding that wolf.

If you don’t want to feed that wolf and you want to foster a life of less whining and crying, we need to set boundaries and rules. Yesterday, we came home and my son wanted the TV on. I told him, “no” and got busy with household chores and cooking dinner. He started to whine and cry.

I tried to ignore it but I gave in. I turned on the TV. Then when dinner was done, I turned it off again. He whined yet again. So after dinner, I turned it back on for it.

I set ZERO rules and expectations. I enabled the whining. Here’s how I should have done it and what I will do in the future: When we get home and I say, “No TV” I need to say why and set a time if it will come on and provide an alternative.

For example: “No. We are not going on the TV until we all have dinner together” or “No we are not going to turn on the TV until 6:30 today.” This gives a clear deadline that I am setting on when the TV will turn on.

Additionally, we need an alternative. So the full sentence would look like this: “No. We are not going to turn on the TV until after dinner. In the meantime, you can play with these toys (show them some toys) or you can play outside.”

I have implemented this effectively in our bedtime routines. (You can read that blog post here) When it is time for bed, typically 8p, the TV goes off, we go up stairs, we brush our teeth, read a book or two, and get jammies on.

We do allow them a reward of TV until 9p if we make it that far. We feed the wolf of good hygiene and reading each day. It took a while to get there and some days are better than others, but when it is bed time, everyone knows what to do.

It probably will go over like a lead balloon the first few times you do this but if you consistently feed them in ways like this you can develop your kids to be the people you want them to be. The two wolves isn’t just for ourselves. It is for all parts of life.